Thursday, December 1, 2022

This Week In The Wild World Of Fighting (11/12-11/18/2022)

Welcome back to The Wild World Of Fighting, an article that covers Paulo Costa’s neglect of the English language, Bryce Mitchell’s neglect of common sense, and everything in between.


The Wild World Of Fighting

UFC 281 burned the middleweight pecking order into the ground and left a man with less time in grappling than CM Punk as the belt wearer. Zhang Weili treated the champion Carla Esparza like Pat Barry catches women and got it done early.

Michael Chandler and Dustin Poirier lived up to expectations, although after winning, Poirier proceeded to invite everyone he ran into, to his new hot sauce launch.

If Chandler had won, there is a good chance he would have adopted a small African American child, which makes me think I should have rooted for him over Poirier.

Derek Brunson “Balls Out” In Italy

Derek Brunson found himself having some toilet troubles in Italy. While trying to relieve himself in a restroom, he found gentlemen (number not specified) naked, discussing news from around the globe, with their own globes on display.

Brunson, perhaps himself not a connoisseur of sausage, would prefer that the free-spirited gentleman keep their pepperoni firmly in their pants.

The Paulo Costa Corner

Paulo Costa Luke Rockhold
Photo via Twitter @borrachinhamma

Paulo Costa could have a weekly article dedicated to his Twitter feed, but instead, we will run through some of the top suggestions.

He has called out Conor McGregor, a part-time cocaine enthusiast and full-time USADA inspector avoider.

He went full Mike Perry on us and dropped a Portuguese N-bomb. This was while talking about Mike Perry, another tonally confused white male.

He then asked not to be canceled…

Before posting this….

Ever dynamic in his offensiveness, it will be interesting to see who is his next target.

Nate Diaz And The Stockton Slap Strikes Again

Perennial Loser Dillion Danis has unsurprisingly ended up in a TMZ-friendly situation again. Often seen getting beaten up by untrained, weekend-only doormen, this time, he has gotten his friend slapped by Nate Diaz. As any true MMA fan knows, Nate Diaz will slap anyone. Even Dana White has felt the stunning redness of a freshly slapped cakehole in the past.

Danis for the most part played his role perfectly, standing around looking like a doped-up kebab seller. He meekly nodded along, before his friend approached, got flipped the bird, and Stockton slapped by Diaz. He then wandered off into the distance, probably regaling himself with the story of how he was once the guy that showed Conor McGregor armbars and did his dishes for him.

Alex Pereira-Gracie?

I checked, and it isn’t April, which leaves me confused. Alex Pereira, fresh from being dominated at grappling by the worst grappler in the division, has received a brown belt in BJJ. If you asked “Poatan” to name ten submissions, do you think he could? What about three different guards to play out of?

Oh, Wait… More Danis

Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, the guy we spoke about earlier, Dillon Danis, re-emerged. YouTube boxer KSI was in attendance at a press conference, when Danis appeared, trying to engage in conflict of some kind with the Englishman. Danis throws the world’s tamest punch, followed by a drink at the bewildered KSI.

The scuffle is quickly dampened and both parties pretend to want to do something, even though neither seemed to bother getting to the other. Anthony Taylor though was in fact bothered. He pursued the alcohol-laden Danis and landed an overhanded right that has been praised around the world.

I think we should at this point, seriously consider whether we can trade Danis to another sport. Give me the world’s worst professional netball player, the 1237th-ranked cyclist in Utah, even a swimmer with aquaphobia would be a shrewd trade to get rid of him. We can just have them hold a sign that says “I got rid of Dillon Danis” at every event.

John Fury Is Jake Paul’s Next Opponent?

John Fury, father of boxer Tyson Fury, and professional bout agree Tommy Fury, was left red-faced and topless following his sons victory over some guy. If you can’t quite picture John Fury, imagine if Cain Velasquez was filled with cottage cheese and was always eating something sour. Nonetheless, The Wild World Of Fighting applaud the vigor in which he makes an arse of himself.

He screamed and spat numerous noises at Jake Paul who was ringside, with some of those noises rumored to be words. It seems that he mentions something about either a bare-knuckle man or a bear’s bubble bath. I have also deciphered the words “Mike Tyson to the death”. Mike Tyson, the man Fury named his heavyweight champion son after, did not appear to be in attendance. I’m sure he won’t be too frighted of the pear-shaped drunk though.

Bryce Mitchell Stars In: When Crazy Goes Country

Bryce Mitchell is an odd fellow. It appears now that he is posting a mixture of Andrew Tate-style motivation for people with a more rural disposition, and Alex Jones for farmers. Talking about the joys of shoveling cow shit whilst attacking, of all people, soybean farmers is a strange thing to do.

Well, when the only alternative is staying indoors and masturbating to Eddie Bravo JRE episodes on repeat, I guess cow shit ain’t that bad…

Meathead Strickland Returns And Beats Up Fan

Sean Strickland, who competes with Paulo Costa for the best interview in MMA, is back doing what his degenerate ass does, beating people up. A young man, who shit-talked to the whole time, lasted longer with Strickland than Sean did with Pereira. You hear and feel Strickland’s childhood neglect in every punch.

And Too Close Us Out

We all continuously watch the UFC every weekend, right? Well here is Paulo Costa to tell us why, via Joe Biden.

That’s all for this week’s edition of The Wild World of Fighting. If you have any suggestions for next week’s edition, be sure to tag @WhatsTheOddsMMA on Twitter.